The War on Wanker: Texas Declares Martial Law on Masturbation

From dildo bans to sperm surveillance, welcome to America’s new Puritan absurdity

January 2025. A date which will live in infamy—or at least in a soggy tissue box in a Mississippi bathroom stall.

That’s when State Senator Bradford “The Sperm Whisperer” Blackmon birthed (pun intended) the “Contraception Begins at Erection Act”—a legislative masterpiece ensuring that every lonely late-night squirt is now a federal offense unless it’s headed straight for the womb. You heard me. We’ve officially criminalized lonely climax.

Fast-forward to Texas, where lawmakers are fisting freedom right in the Constitution’s back door with Senate Bill 3003, which I can only assume was typed one-handed by Sen. Angela Paxton while her husband, the ever-scandalous Attorney General Ken “No Dildo for You” Paxton, furiously prayed to Jesus to forgive the state’s rampant rash of…….personal fulfillment.

This is real. This is happening. In 2025, Texas has officially weaponized morality and pointed it straight at your genitals.

Under this new regime, Texans will need to present government-issued ID, submit to a third-party age-verification enema, and pay a small civil penalty just for the privilege of ordering a singing butt plug or glow-in-the-dark fleshlight online.

It’s like Minority Report, but instead of pre-crime, it’s pre-cum.

Forget fentanyl. Forget collapsing infrastructure. Forget that Houston becomes Atlantis every time it rains. Nope. The real emergency is a purple vibrator named “The Love Gopher” getting into the wrong hands.

The bill specifically targets anything designed for pleasure. We’re talking about dildos, pocket pussies, vibrators, cock rings, and probably that Hello Kitty back massager you thought was just for your shoulders.

Forget freedom. Forget privacy. You want to buzz your bits? Better have a background check and a notarized affidavit from your pastor.

Break the law, and you’re looking at:

• A $4,000 fine

• One year in prison

• A $5,000 penalty per pleasure tool

Buy a six-pack of vibes? You might as well rob a bank naked while waving a confederate flag. The sentencing’s about the same.

Ah yes. The classic Trojan Horse of Puritan bullshit. Won’t somebody please think of the children?

Spoiler alert: this law isn’t about protecting kids. It’s about policing pleasure, especially for women and LGBTQ+ folks, because nothing terrifies authoritarian creeps more than someone discovering they don’t need a man or a church to climax.

Dr. Shamyra Howard, sex educator and goddess of common sense, said it best: “It turns a private, healthy act into something shameful.”

Exactly. This isn’t a law. It’s a public kink-shaming ritual dressed in legislative drag.

Just as I was digesting the Texas absurdity like a bad gas station burrito, Major Lionel Purity, Retired—former commander of Operation Seminal Responsibility and the nation’s leading expert in “ejaculatory ethics” emailed me.

According to Lionel, Mississippi’s legislation mandates:

• Conceive or Cease wristbands for all males over 13, tracking wrist movement and groin humidity.

• A government hotline—1-800-NO-SPILL—for snitching on rogue wankers.

• Mandatory slideshow shaming sessions at the Church of Moral Fertility, which honestly sounds like an Eyes Wide Shut spinoff with worse lighting.

Let’s be real. This isn’t about toys. It’s about control. It’s about shame. It’s about people in power wanting to crawl into your bedroom, your bedside drawer, and maybe even your search history.

What’s next?

• A masturbation permit?

• An orgasm quota?

• A door-to-door jizz census?

Do you feel violated? Good. That’s freedom now.

Here’s the truth they don’t want you to know:

💥 Masturbation is protest.

💥 Orgasm is rebellion.

💥 Every unlicensed climax is a victory over theocracy.

Every time someone ignores shame and listens to their body, a Puritan ghost loses its virginity. Somewhere, Sen. Paxton feels a disturbance in the Force and clutches her pearls with both hands.

So lube up, America. This is bigger than politics—it’s a self-love uprising.

The dildocalypse is upon us. The Great Jack-Off Crackdown of 2025 is real, it’s stupid, and it’s not slowing down.

But remember this: the state may monitor your movements, tax your toys, and wrap your orgasms in red tape… but they’ll never outlaw joy.

So do your patriotic duty. Love yourself. Often. With enthusiasm. And maybe even with a neon-pink “Forbidden Fruit 3000” that plays Marvin Gaye.

Because pleasure is power.

And frankly, Texas could use a good orgasm.